on giving advice

Dear Fans,

As a winner, I'm constantly being hounded by people attempting to gleam the cube of my winningness. My general rule is to politely dodge such requests. However, I recently received a note from my biggest fan (you are all my biggest fans!) and something about this young man's problem touched me...


Dear Champion,

I need your advice. About 5 months ago, my wife and I took a flight together. We sat beside each other in the same row, but while I was assigned to boarding zone 1 (the zone for those who prevail), my wife was assigned to boarding zone 7 (the last zone, known in the airline boarding world as the "sucker zone"). A theme song for the many reasons she is appropriately destined to remain in the sucker zone soon followed. Here's an example or two:

I'm the queen bee,
you're the drone
make me some honey,
you're in the sucker zone
I'm gonna sting you
in the sucker zone

Call the doctor
on the phone
you've come down
with the sucker zone
Stay in bed
you're in the sucker done
You gotta fever
in the sucker zone

And the verses go on and on. There's at least 14 of them. At first it was a kind of joke, but now I truly feel there is no hope and she will always be in the sucker zone. I am not sure what to do. Is there anyway that some of my winning championness can help her develop her own?

Signed,
Confused in Las Vegas


Dear CiLV,

Thank you for taking the time to write me at my blog. I think you will find that seeking my advice was the best possible thing you could have done in this situation.

First off, I am baffled by the rhyming scheme in the second verse of your song. Please do not send me any more unfinished poetry.

Secondly, you have provided no evidence of your own "winning championness", so I have very little context for your situation... However, I will work under the assumption that you are a winner of some sort and are not yanking my chain. That said, if you are a true winner and you have chosen this bride, then she too has become something of a winner. Even if she was born in "the sucker zone" and she can breathe in "the sucker zone", that doesn't mean she has to die in "the sucker zone". Your selection of her means that she has won the love of a winner. Notice the key word in that sentence? (The key word is "won".)

One thing to keep in mind about these sort of newly minted winners is that they probably haven't mastered the science of winning. They weren't born with winning DNA like I was. They never became Grand Masters of Chess like I did. They never broke the air speed record at the age of fifteen or quietly mapped the human genome in the late 1980s. They are still learning what it means to win and how important it is to win at everything. Occasionally, they will stumble. They will allow the world to confine them in "the sucker zone". And when that happens, you need to do exactly what you did - rub it in their face. Hard. They'll never learn to win, unless they start to hate losing.

Sincerely,
Ultimate Winning Champion